Announcer: We regret to announce that our first skit, an
adaptation of Milan Kundera's ”The Unbearable Lightness of Being: An
economist's perspective•, had to be abandoned.
The Regent's have ruled that the skit needlessly duplicated a skit
performed earlier this year at the
Our scene opens with a lecture in Economics 201 which is being taught by our protagonist .... Hey have you guys figured out who is doing the lead yet? Pardon me....our protagonist
A: Today class, we'll be examining the role of market prices in the efficient allocation of scarce resources.
B: (walks up wearing trench coat, flips out wallet i.d.) The name is Doofus..
A: Fine. Look I'm in the middle of class here. Could you come back later?
B: No. This won't wait. I'm here to make this University great and there is no time like the present to begin. Now what is it you were teaching just now..
A: Economics. I'm teaching economics.
B: Economics? Hmmm. (consults stack of obviously disorganized papers) Economics.... Oh here it is. We are going to stop teaching economics. You will now be teaching French.
A: What do you mean. I have 150 students here who want to take economics.
B: Yes, and that has got to stop. These large classes don't reflect quality. Small classes mean quality. Now by our figures, all French classes are small and therefore of high
quality. We will therefore change all large lecture classes to French. Because students don't want to take French, the classes will get smaller and quality will improve. It is a bold new step into the future internationalization of the ISU student experience.
A:(exasperated)œ But I don't speak French.
B: That's ok. Neither do they. They won't know the difference. Besides , they weren't understanding what you were saying just now anyway.
A: That's the point. These students have enough trouble understanding economics in english. They'll be completely lost in French.
B: Exactly. That's the goal of expanding our students' horizons. Now they'll be illiterate in more than one language. They'll misunderstand twice as well as they did before. The
logic is flawless. I checked with a philosopher.
A: Well in that case I guess it's ok. I'll do my best.
Announcer: Before we proceed to the newly redesigned class in French Econ 201, we have a musical interlude performed by our own virtuoso genius in residence, Dr. Peter Francis John Orazem. He will perform a composition of his own, a poignant tale of
love in a world gone mad. A song we like to call Song Number One.
Song Number One
Since the news has hit the street
My life has been a whirl
And everywher I turn there is a ditsy dame or cover girl
So if I seem a bit confused
Don't you be surprised
I'm just a Cosmo kind of guy
This evening I am going out
For a night out with the guys
We'll maybe do some bowling, grab some steaks and fries
What's my secret for excitement
Well it just pays to advertise
That I'm a Cosmo kind of guy
Say Bayby Why don't I cruise over to your place
in my 65 Rambler Wagon
We'll play a rousing game of
Dungeons and Dragons
Then we'll crack open a bottle of that Gallo Pink Chablis
Settle on your big blue couch
Watch Newhart on T.V.
I see that you have been staring at my physique
Well I don't mind telling you that I've been lifting weights
almost half a week
And please don't fight about which parts are the best
Just revel in my macho biceps
Dig my massive chest
So don't you say a word
I'll do fine with your sighs
'Cause I'm a Cosmo kind of guy
Announcer: That was truly awful and I mean that sincerely. We now move to the next day where our protagonist is presenting the first lecture in the newly created course: French Econ 201.
A: (in horrible Inspector Clouseau accent)œ Repeat after me, class. The marginal product of Moron Doofus is negative. (waits for audience to repeat) That was very poor. Try this one, "why did the administrator chicken cross the road?" (waits for audience to respond) Because he had already fouled up the first side. How about this one, "How many administrators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Give up? I don't know either, but they are hiring a new administrator to look into the question.
C: Ahem..
A: What do you want?
C: (whips out i.d.) The name is Goober.. Extension Strategic Plan. We'd like to talk with you.
A: Can you come back later? I'm in the middle of class.
C: No. This won't wait. I'm here to make this University great and there is no time like the present to begin. Now what is it you are teaching.
A: French Econ 201.
C: (consulting pile of disorganized notes)œ Economics, hmmmm. Maybe under French eh? hmmm Oh wait here it is. You're under Slater.
A: What?
C: University Outreach. You will be teaching in Slater. A guy named Bud Dworkin wants to take the class and he doesn't feel like driving to campus.
A: You mean I have to drive to Slater to give a class to one guy?
C: Yeah. Isn't it great. I tell you this Outreach program is going to
win us all sorts of friends in the state.
Why, Lorna Lubich in
A: He'll be thrilled.
C: Well that's good. I thought he might be busy... Not that it matters of course. By the way, Bud wants the course to be accessible.... none of that hard stuff about markets or prices. Also, you're supposed to be teaching finance, not economics. Oh yeah and lose the French.
Announcer: Before we rejoin our protagonist in the newly designed Community Outreach French Financial Econ 201, we have a special presentation on the art of consulting.
Announcer: We return you now to the lecture by our protagonist on the very next day in Bud Dworkin's barn.
Bud: Hope you don't
mind me working on this tractor while you lecture. I promised the missus I'd drive over to
name?
A: You're celebrating the centennial of the manure spreader?
Bud: Hell, that's a great invention. You don't want to spread that stuff by hand, do you? ........ 'Course I kinda liked throwing it at my brothers.
A: Well I guess I'd
better get started. I'm supposed to
lecture in an hour in
Bud: Really? I didn't know Darryl and his brother Darryl were interested in economics.
A: They aren't. They just wanted to get half-price student tickets to the football games and the analysis of road kill course was booked..... Now where was I. Oh yes. (goes into
Inspector Clouseau accent again) The gains from portfolio diversification..
Bud: Oh, skip that stuff. I just want to know what stocks to buy so I can retire in a year.
A: Ask
Rambo: (enters wearing fatigues and carrying a gun) Ahem.. Excuse me.
A: Who are you?
Rambo: Your worst nightmare. The name is Rambo. Regent Rambo of the Regent's Strategic Plan.
A: Pleased to meet you. I'm in the middle of class. Can you talk to me later?
Rambo: No. This won't wait. I'm here to make this University great and there is no time like the present to begin. Now what are you teaching.
A: I'm teaching finance.
Rambo: Not any
more. Needless
duplication with the
A: Well, then I'm teaching French.
Rambo: Not any more. Needless duplication with the
A: Well, I used to teach economics.
Rambo: Economics hmmmmmm. (Checks paper) Would that be agricultural economics?
A: Well uh sure.
Rambo: Nope. Not on the schedule of removal. You are free to go.
Bud: Hey what about me? I was having my course.
Rambo: Well I have some bad news for you. We have determined that you represent needless duplication of a hog confinement operation near Sheldahl and so you will be discontinued. Furthermore, Slater is a needless duplication of Maxwell and so
we will close it down. As for the Culpepper twins, Darryl's history. There is some good news though. The manure spreader celebration is unique and will be allowed to continue as scheduled.
Bud: Hot diggity. Wait til I tell the missus.
Announcer : The preceding has been a dramatic portrayal. All similarities to actual events or to people living or dead is pure coincidence. We will stand by this fabrication in court. We will now close with a hymn of redemption. A song which has inspired generations of the poor and downtrodden to rise up and fight for their true destiny. A song which will forever be known as Song Number 2. Ü
Song Number Two
A weem o way a weem o way
A weem o way a weem o way
A weem o way a weem o way
A weem o way a weem o way
In the jungle, the concrete jungle
The Regents sleep tonight
In the morning, you read the paper
And find your butt is fried.
Sleep my darling. Don't weap my darling
The Regents sleep tonight.
In the morning the
Has faded out of sight.
In the city, the peaceful city
The Regent's sleep tonight.
In the morning "This Space for Rent" signs
Are sprouting left and right.
G: The trick behind
successful consulting is to figure out what answer the client wants before they
ask the question. To illustrate the technique we have invited Carnac Consultant to the stars to
demonstrate his fabulous methods.
G: What does a graduate student call a diversified portfolio.
G: What is the a student's opportunity cost of attending graduate school.
G: What has the State Legislature mandated as a way to increase corn sales and promote safe sex.
G: Why would a graduate student take drugs.
G: Name three places where graduate students think they can beat the odds.
Announcer: Please remember that
10) I thought I would learn CPR
9) I thought it said
8) It is one of the top 20 Harvards of the midwest
7) I wanted to learn strategic planning
6) I read Cosmopolitan
5) Only seven more years past the M.S. and then it is only six more years to retirement.
4) I didn't get into the M.B.A. program
3) Because of the programs in comparative systems, history of thought and mathematical economics
2) I wanted a school with no distractions
1) Because the faculty skits are so damn good