Parts

Announcer:  Roger Ginder

Arne:  Arne Hallam

Charlene:  Charlene Carsrud

Manny Statcourses:  GianCarlo Moschini

Herman Quirmbach:  Maureen Kilkenny

Jesse Ventura: Peter Orazem

Ross Perot:  Jim Kliebenstein

Katherine Harris:  Jennifer Winters

Singers: Charlene Carsrud, Maureen Kilkenny, Jim Kliebenstein, Deb Moore, GianCarlo Moschini, Peter Orazem, Deb Thornburg

 

Props:

2nd floor: pieces of paper for voting, cntainer for votes, magic marker, name signs, bumper sticker

Peter Orazem:  jumper cables, ballots

Maureen Kilkenny:  fake fire

 

SCENE:  THREE PEOPLE HUDDLED AROUND A FIRE WEARING HEAVY WINTER CLOTHING.  ANNOUNCER DRESSED UP SIMILARLY IS OFF TO THE SIDE.

 

Announcer:  Fourteen people, sent to a God Forsaken area, devoid of living amenities.  One-by-one, they disappear.  Only one will survive the ordeal in this barren cultureless landscape known by its ancient name, AMES

 

(SURVIVOR THEME)

 

We are down to our last three survivors.  Five froze to death before we relaxed the requirement that the contestants had to wear skimpy bathing suits.  Richard Hatch, the naked fat guy, got himself stuck to a frozen metal pump handle and is now known as Deidre McCloskey.  Four graduate students found out they could make more money with credit card companies and quit the game.  And Todd Sandler mysteriously disappeared while on the flight and never made it to Ames.

 

That leaves us with the last three.  Who will survive? 

Arne Hallam, DEO of the Economics Department,

 

Charlene Carsrud, Budget Officer of the Economics Department,  or

 

Manny Statcourses, the only student in the Economics Graduate Program

 

Manny:  I’m really in statistics.

 

Announcer:  Today, our survivors will be participating in an immunity challenge.  The challenge will be in the form of a series of questions, which we will call a qualifying exam.

 

Manny:  Do I have to do this?  I mean, I could do macro, but I’m really in statistics

 

Announcer:  Yes, all of you have to do this.  I will read the questions and you will write down the answers.  Whoever wins this challenge will gain immunity.

 

Arne:  Before we start, I have a survey I would like all of you to fill out.  It asks you to say how you feel about your place in Ames and how it can make you a better person.

 

Charlene:  Stuff it Arne.

 

Arne:  ARGHHHGHGHG!

 

Announcer:  First question.  Describe a diversified portfolio. (Announcer calls on each survivor and they answer)

 

Manny:  Half your money in the Powerball and another half in the Iowa Daily Pick Three, and another half in a new car.   I’m really in statistics

 

Charlene:  Half your money in vacant lines and the other half in office furniture.

 

Arne:  I like to have several strategic plans going at once to flexibly meet any eventuality.  Could you fill out this survey on what field you would be in if you couldn’t be in the field you are in right now?

 

Announcer:  Well—that’s a zero for each of you.  How about something a little easier. 

 

Herman Quirmbach (HQ):  Hold on a second.  (points to fire) What do we have here?  Municipal ordinance 5-1-7-8 stroke B prevents smoking in Ames.

 

Announcer:  Well gee whiz Herman, it’s just a fake fire for the skit.

 

HQ:  Smoke, second-hand smoke, virtual second-hand smoke, it’s all the same.  (stomps out fire)

 

Announcer:  All right.  (pointedly at Herman who is walking off-stage) We’ll just huddle together in the virtual cold here.  Now,  what is rational expectations?  Arne?

 

Arne: You know, it’s getting a little cold in here.  (starts talking more slowly) My battery is getting low.  Must    get    jumper    cables.  (Arne goes completely stiff)

 

Charlene:  (goes off stage and gets jumper cables.  Comes back and stands with the two ends next to Arne)  CLEAR!  ( Puts jumper cables on Arne, there is a boom, Arne immediately leaps in the air)

 

Arne:  (speaks very fast and animatedly)  What is rational expectations?  It is rational to expect me to handle recruiting, graduate education, undergraduate education, janitorial services, the copy machine, take the scouts camping,  refinish the basement and neuter my dog. (starts doing jumping jacks)  Where’s my bike?

 

Announcer:  Uhhhhm.  Ok.  Charlene?

 

Charlene:  Rational expectations means that you can expect to be rationed new office space when hell freezes over.

 

Announcer:  Is that your final answer?

 

Charlene:  Stuff it Regis.

 

Announcer:  OK.  Manny?

 

Manny:  It is not rational to expect me to do any research on economics.  I’m really in statistics.

 

Announcer:  The score stands at zero for everyone, so no one has gained immunity.  All three of you will be voting on whom should be kicked out of Ames

 

(SURVIVOR theme sounds during the voting)

 

Announcer:   Manny.

 

Manny: (puts a piece of paper with “Charlene” written on it into a bowl.)

I’m voting for Charlene because she gave me an office in the Economics Department.   I’m really in statistics.

 

Announcer:  Charlene

 

Charlene: (puts a piece of paper with “ARNE” written on it into the bowl.)  I’m voting for Arne because he’s driving me flipping nuts with surveys.

 

Announcer:  Arne

 

Arne: (puts  a piece of paper with “MANNY” written on it into the bowl.)  I’m voting for Manny because he’s really in statistics.

 

Announcer:  We’ll take you back to the gripping conclusion of Survivor, but first, a word from the Reform Party.

 

Jesse Ventura (JV): Jesse Ventura here with Ross Perot to bring you an amazing offer.

 

Ross Perot (RP): That’s right Jesse.  Let’s not pussy-foot-- The Reform Party is as broke as a two dollar horse.  We need your money.  And we think we have just the item that will sell.

 

JV: You talking about the Pat Buchanan lingerie calendar?

 

RP:  No, you steroid stuffing stud.  I’m talking campaign songs.

 

JV:  I know just what you mean. (Turns to audience). And the Reform Party has brought together 300 of the best songs from the election year into one boxed collection.  I’m always put into the holiday spirit by Ralph Nader’s classic, “I Saw Momma Kissing the CEO of a Multinational Corporation that Blatantly Disregards our Anti-Trust Clause.” 

 

RP:  Yes, but for winter cheer,  my favorite comes from the hit movie, The Gore Who Stole Christmas.  It goes like this….

 

Lead Singers:  Charlene, Deb Thornburg, Jennifer , Maureen:  (Tune “A Few of My Favorite Things”)

Swinging gate, three corner, mild indentions

Markings that reveal the voters' intentions

Dimpled or pregnant or punctured a tad

These area few of my favorite chads

 

JV:  Not all campaign songs are so sentimental.  Some really rock, like this heavy metal tune from Queen

 

Lead Singer: Deb Thornburg, full choir  (Tune:  “We will Rock You”:  Chorus will do the thump, thump clap)

Dubya was a boy

Was a dumb rich honkey

When his dad said you're going to be the prez someday

Take the spoon out your nose

Put on your clothes

Stop Driving high on bennies and booze

Singin'

George Walker Bush still rocks

Choir: Still rocks

Just get him to detox

Choir: Detox

 

RP:  Whooeee. As the kids say, that song is “the warhead!”

 

JV:  You mean “the bomb”.

 

RP:  Sorry.  “My bad!”  Who let the dogs out, who  who who?    (no one else joins in—RP looks around)  Well, you know, I’ve talked about that Sucking sound from the South…

 

JV:  And the next sound really sucks. Here’s a calypso number from Emanuel Recount

 

Lead:  Peter, full choir (Tune: Banana Song)

Recount, Re-e-e-count

Choir: Recount come and me want go home

This one uses crayon instead of magic marker

Choir: Day one come, one more vote for Gore

This one says she likes the guy who looks just like Bob Barker

Choir: Day two come, one more vote for Gore

We just found this ballot stuck under the divider

Choir: Day three come, one more vote for Gore

This one says he’s voting for his internet provider

Choir: Day four come, one more vote for Gore

Six vote, seven vote, eight vote gap.

Choir: Day five come, one more vote for Gore

My attorney says election law is crap

Choir: Day six come, one more vote for Gore

Hey Mr. talleyman, talley me vote quicker

Choir: Day eight come, one more vote for Gore

Don't care if it’s accurate as long as my count’s bigger

Choir: Day nine come, one more vote for Gore

Recount, I say re-e-e-count

Choir: Recount come and me want go home

Recount,  I say re, I say re, I say re-e-e-count

Choir (slowly): Recount come and me want go home

 

RP:  All these and 297 other songs that will make it seem like the 2000 campaign was still going on.

 

JV:  Order before midnight tonight, and we’ll throw in one of these rare bumper stickers:  “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Buchanan”.

 

RP:  We gave away seven already, so we are down to our last 2.7 million.  And now, back to Survivor.

 

(SURVIVOR THEME)

 

Announcer:  Welcome Back.  And now to the suspense-filled conclusion of this week’s episode.  All three have voted to kick someone out of Ames.  We are pleased to have Katherine Harris of the Florida Elections Commission to announce the vote.  Katherine?

 

(KH):  Thanks.  (Pulls out first piece of paper out of the bowl—it says “GORE”)  The first vote is for Gore. (Pulls out second piece of paper—it also says “GORE”)  The second vote is for Gore.  At this point, I can discontinue the counting.  I can certify that Albert Gore must leave Ames immediately and that George W. Bush is the President of the United States.

 

Announcer:  There you have it—the certified outcome of the voting.  Tune in next week when we will have the recount of the voting on Survivor.

 

(SURVIVOR THEME)