(Everyone wears a seed corn cap)
(A sits at the table looking over a fat budget book A starts to play penny whistle)
B: A Fiddler of the Books. Sounds crazy eh
But that is how we live our lives here in Economca
We are all living like a fiddler of the books.
B: OK so we couldn't afford a fiddler. As the Good Book says, Make a glad sound unto the Lord. (Pause to listen) On the other hand, one should not annoy the Lord either.
You may ask, how can we make our
books balance in our little town of
(sing) TUITION, TUITION!
And why do I stay here? Well Economca is my home. And I have a
POSITION, POSITION!
The people of Economca have many traditions. For example We wear these caps on our heads to show our constant devotion to seed corn companies.
Sometimes bad things happen in our little town of
PERDITION, PERDITION!
B: We will tell a story of the simple people in our little town
C: (interrupting) , …and how they have suffered under the yoke of their capitalist oppressors until they will rise up and take control of the means of production…
B: Now calm down, Paycheck. Take you ritalin. You must excuse Paycheck. He took a course in sociology.
Now as I was saying, these simple people of Economca will tell their stories in our full orchestral adaptation of Fiddler on the Roof. OK so we couldn't afford the orchestra. We are a poor people. However, feel free to hum along.
This is Idle Meins, a teacher.
D: When I started teaching I
Worked hard on every class
Now that I have tenure I just
Sit here on my chair
PROFESSORS. PROFESSORS
TRADITION
PROFESSORS. PROFESSORS
TRADITION
B: And this is Paycheck. He is a student.
C: When I first came to school I was
A TA in the fall
I want to be an RA and do
Nothing much at all
THE STUDENTS, THE STUDENTS
TRADITION
THE STUDENTS, THE STUDENTS
TRADITION
B: And this is the staff, Jennifer. There used to be many more, but…
the budgets cuts….(sighs)
E: When I came here I thought
Professors were a perk
But they get all the credit
And I do all the work
STAFF MEMBERS STAFF MEMBERS
TRADITION
STAFF MEMBERS STAFF MEMBERS
TRADITION
B: (Everyone joins hands and do some sort of line dance, humming)
We are all one big happy family in Economca. Every December, we have a big Holiday Party where everyone comes together and sings and dances. Until one day
Off-stage: The Uzbeks are coming!
C: (panicky) Not the Uzbeks!
B: They will date our students
D: They will steal our horses
Off-stage: Sorry, Uzbeks aren't coming. My bad! It's the Cossacks. The Cossacks are coming!
C: (panicky) Not the Cossacks!
B: They will steal our students
D: They will date our horses
Off-stage: Sorry, not the Cossacks either. It's the
C: (panicky) Not the
B: They will date our students
D: They will date our horses
C: They will date everything!
Off-stage: Sorry, not the Uzbecks, or the Cossacks or the Clintons. It's the Vilsacks. The Vilsacks are coming!
C: (panicky) Not the Vilsacks!
B: They will steal our students
D: They will steal our horses
C: They vill sack everything!
B: But they will give it all back if we can raise external funds to match what they took
D: What can we do?
B: What do we always do when we face adversity? We sing a song. As the philosopher Fred Flinstone says,
IF I WERE A RICH MAN
YABA DABA YABA
DABA YABA DABA DABA DOO
C: We can ask Mugger, the fundraiser to find us a rich man who will match what the Vilsacks took.
FUNDRAISER, FUNDRAISER GET ME A STASH
FIND ME SOME FUNDS
OR A FARM I CAN CASH
FUNDRAISER, FUNDRAISER LOOK THROUGH YOUR BOOK
AND FIND ME A PERFECT MATCH
FUNDRAISER, FUNDRAISER, I PROMISE THIS
YOU BRING THE BUTT
I'LL BRING THE KISS
SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE IS SOME RICH MAN'S BACKSIDE
WHO WILL MAKE ME A PERFECT MATCH
FOR THE STATE, PLEASE MAKE HIM A SCHOLAR
FOR THE PRESS, PLEASE SHOW HIM EAGER TO GIVE
FOR ME, WELL I WOULDN'T HOLLER
IF HE ONLY HAS ONE MORE WEEK TO LIVE
FUNDRAISER, FUNDRAISER PLEASE DON'T DELAY
IF HE HAS A WILL
WE'LL
IF HE LOOKS TOO HEALTHY WE'RE WILLING TO KILL
TO FIND US THE FUNDS
TO GET US THE CASH
TO MAKE US A PERFECT MATCH
D: So is there a rich man out there who can help us?
B: There must be. As the Good Book says, the sun will come up tomorrow. On the other hand, that is next year's skit.
THE END