Winter Party Christmas Poem

Peter Orazem

December 4, 1992

I pondered my choices for what tasks I might

Undertake, for there were too many to count

And the Provost kept adding a greater amount.

There are more funds to seek, more proposals to write

I could teach all my courses on weekends and nights

Remove asbestos from Heady along with the trash

Then ask the alumni to send us more cash.

I could work out a plan to raise student retention

Meaning increase their numbers, not raise comprehension.

The number who leave is a cause of concern

Not for time they have wasted, but for fees we won't earn

Each student's a gold mine, our revenue base

And a mine is a terrible thing to waste.

So while we are teaching the masses in classes

For each student, it's prudent that he or she passes.

Well Kojak has other plans, some greater some lesser

Like naming the Not So Distinguished Professor.

But time is too precious when I'm working at home

To heck with efficiency, I'm writing a poem!

Now the first step is to pick a small topic of choice

And then give it the meter, the passion, the voice

To commune with the spheres, be as one with one's muse

I consumed a few beers, and I reviewed the news.

Now I know what you're thinking, and you're feeling downhearted

You thought I was finished and I haven't yet started

So sit back and relax, have some coffee, don't worry

I'll read really fast and be done in a hurry.

The Review of 1992 by Peter Orazem

The Iowa Caucus was a source of pride

Who was to run? We would decide.

We'd vote for folks we'd come to know

We'd hear their views, they'd spend their dough.

And so it was a doggone shame

When we held our caucus and no one came.

No Rathers, Chungs, or Charles Kuralts

No CBS expense accounts.

And Spencerites and Centervillians

Said Gee Thanks, Tom Harkin, Thanks a million.

Bill Clinton had a scary start

His campaign took off like Gary Hart

His aides did all within their powers

To stop the smell from Gennie Flowers

Bill sought to mimic JFK

His favorite White House lodger.

But it doesn't work as well to say

Ich bein ein draft dodger.

Still when all was said and done

It was bimbos zero Clinton won.

Daniel Quayle started making rounds

He took on lawyers and Murphy Brown

But he met his match a few weeks later

Confronted by the word, "potater'

George Bush with Detroit execs in tow

Went on a tour of Tokyo.

He signed a deal on auto junk

Then ate some sushi and lost his lunch.

A thought that's sure to bring him cheer

The trip was the high point of his year.

Ross Perot tested the water

Till the conspiracy to smear his daughter

No sense campaigning when your fretting

You might not have a peaceful wedding.

But the people couldn't take the loss

And they cried out pleading, "Ross, Ross, Ross."

And Ross heeded the nation's will.

Plunked down his 50 million dollar bill

And ran the everyman campaign

To a second place finish in Utah and Maine.

And now the whole world's wondering

Who will take his place on Larry King.

The Soviet Union disappears

And we only helped them for two years.

Yet forty years of the Cold War

Did not wreck the USSR.

The Pentagon's newest defense device....

Don't send the army, send advice.

Here at home, the raises come

About one year later than when won.

Since Branstad lost it in the courts

The whole year he's been out of torts.

The smoker's lounge keeps changing floors

From third to second to out of doors

Quitting smoking may be a breeze

Or in January, butts will freeze.

Some gotta sing, some gotta dance

And some gotta Marvin Pomerantz

The foremost expert in the nation

On how not to sell a TV station

First take in bids, say once or twice

And don't concern yourself with price

Then oops, a snag. Now hold the phone

It's hard to sell what you don't own.

Well I could go on, but I can't stay

I've got a morning lecture to the MBA's