(music from the Olympic Anthem, played on toy piano and kazoo)
A: Welcome to our incessant coverage of the 1988 Econolympic games. I'm Jim McKay and I'm not wearing pants... Are we on? Whoops! Hello, I'm Jim Mckay and this is our continuing coverage of another exciting day of Econolympics. Tonight along with my colleagues Sneazy, Dopey, Grumpy and Doc, we will be looking at the men's academic downhill, the 90 meter jump from Buchanan Hall, and the Ramin Maysami curling competition. But first we will see the ongoing coverage of the grueling grad school endurance race.
B: This is Ken Sneazy along with my colleague Don Grumpy here at the grad school endurance race. We are now starting the thirteenth year of the degree avoidance leg, and there seems to be no end in sight. Of the 25 contestants who started in 1976, 20 are still in the competition.
C: Very true Ken. Amazingly, the contestants do not appear to be tiring at all. Despite a Heady tailwind, no one has made any progress whatsoever toward a degree since Jim Christensen used up his intramural athletic eligibility.
B: Very true Don. I had thought Pat Hurst was in danger of selecting a topic just two years ago, but he managed to extricate himself in time to pull into second place behind the great Enduro Comingetme.
C: Very true, Ken. And what a fabulous competitor Enduro is. 13 years of T.A. positions in Econ 201 and he has yet to take a single graduate course.
B: Very true, Don. Enduro has also now set the all time record for audits--he has now audited Econ 503 a record 26 times in 13 years.
B: Very true, Ken. He's waiting for the right time to take it for credit, and he is very patient. On the recommendation of his advisor, Bob Holdren, he says he's willing to wait for the course to be taught by a Keynesian. Who's to say it won't happen in the long run?
C: Very true, Don. Say, hasn't Holdren been feeling under the weather lately?
B: Very true, Ken. He's not only under the weather, he's under the sod. He's been dead for ten years.
C: Very true, Don. When will they tell Enduro?
B: When he goes to the DGS's office to enroll in a class. He may never find out.
C: Very true, Don. Now there are some other exceptional contestants in this crowded field and we are going to meet one now, up close and personal.
B: Very true
(Voice Behind screen)
D: Get out of here! Leave me alone.
A: Hello, we are ABC and we are here to meet you up close and personal.
D: I'm in the bathroom. Leave me alone.
A: Now I'm sure our viewers would like to know what you do when you are not competing.
D: Get lost. I'm in the bathroom.
A: That was the one of grad schools most enduring.....
B: You mean endearing?
A: No .... enduring figures, the legendary Don Umatum-tum. His legend has inspired poems, short stories, restroom graffiti, and songs like the one we like to call "Song Number One".
Disclaimer : The following song is not meant to insult, but merely to inform. We use Don because his name fit. We really wanted to get Brian Gibson, but his name screwed up the meter.
Song Number 1
Come we wrote you Don Umatum-tum
And write your Ph.D. Don Umutum-tum
We know you felt so fine Don Umutum-tum
That day in '69 Don Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
The courses you breezed through Don Umututm-tum
You passed the prelims too Don Umutum-tum
But you are not all through Don Umutum-tum
There's one thing more to do Don Umutum -tum
Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Before you are done
You T.A.'d 304 Don Umutum-tum
But pay you wanted more Don Umutum-tum
And Finance gifts would bring Don Umutum-tum
If you'd teach finance things Don Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Ten years later Don Umutum-tum
It's time to finish up Don Umutum -tum
Here's a little advice Don Umutum-tum
A topic would be nice Don Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Shall we spell it out Don Umutum-tum
L - E - A - V - E soon Don Umutum-tum
Before you must retire Don Umutum-tum
Before we all expire Don Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Come we told you Don Umutum-tum
And write your Ph.d. Don Umutum-tum
You'll get a job by June Don Umutum-tum
If you just finish soon Don Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Umutum-tum
Then you nodded Don Umutum-tum
See you in June
A: We now proceed to the qualifying round of the free-style Ph.D competition. This is the compulsory round in which the contestants are required to perform the same set of routine maneuvers. Judging is based on technical merit and artistic expression.
E: This is Doc Button along with Snow White Fleming. The compulsory figuring is about to begin. I look for a close competition between Muffy, Cissy, Crissy, Billy, Willy, Bunny, Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail. What do you say, Snow? And my weren't you lovely when you were in this competition as a mere wisp of a girl in Grenoble?
F: Stuff it, Doc. You give me the willies.
E: Very True, Snow. And now the first contestant, Lumbar Paino from Norway.
F: Paino has elected to answer question 1, "How can the government increase spending without a deficit?"
G: (Holds up incomprehensible scrawl of mathematics) ....Therefore, the government can increase spending without a deficit if it borrows money to pay for the increased expenditures.
E: Enchanting!
F: Bull tonky!
E: Here come the scores on technical merit....and they are outstanding. 5.8, 5.7 , 5.8, 5.6 ... and a 2 from the ag econ judge.
F: And now the scores for artistic merit... and they are also quite interesting: 5.3, 5.4, 5.4, 5.5 ... and a 2 from the general econ judge. There seems to be some definite political maneuvering in the judging this time. Now wait a second. the judges are conferring and they are changing the scores. There's now a 2.1, 2.2, 2.1, 2.4 and a 5.5 from the general econ judge. Paino is livid, although his coach Bob Holdren seems to be amazingly calm. Let's get an interview.....
Lumbar, what do you think about the scores?
G: The high ones are correct, but the low ones are a result of rampant favoritism.
F: And toward whom would this favoritism be directed?
G: Toward the contestants with better answers. I demand that the rules be changed. My answer is correct, but the question is wrong. We should not be penalized for perfectly good answers just because the judges didn't ask the right question.
F: Thank you Lumbar, Doc?
E: Thank you Snow. There is a temporary lull in the competition as the police are attempting to break up a fight between the general econ judge and the ag econ judge. We take you back to the competition four years ago with the incomparable performance of the all-knowing grad student of the east, Carnac The Magnificent. The examiner is Dopey McMahon. Notice how Carnac seemed to glide over the questions effortlessly, actually anticipating the questions before they were asked. It reminds me of when you were just a wisp of a girl in Grenoble...
F: Stuff it, Doc. You make me puke.
H: Sarajevo
I: What does the appeals committee say to Jevo?
H: Barry Falk
I: What do the students want to do after taking the macro qualifying exam?
H: Homogenous of degree zero
I: What do you call a bright gay grad student when the heat is turned off in Heady?
H: Four, one to hold the chair, one to screw it in, and two to complain that it is too hard.
I: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
H: 8 out of ten cases.
I: What was the incidence of type 2 error in the grading of this year's micro qualifying exam?
E: What a magnificent memory!
F: What a geek. Since when did they let the dwarves back out of munchkinland? Oh we're back. The police have managed to separate the two judges, and we are now ready for the next contestant, Laslo Plotch of LaGrange Illinois. Now Laslo is waiving off the question and is withdrawing from the competition. Laslo, why are you dropping out of the competition?
J: Well, I have my top ten list of why I did not take the qualifying exams.
Reason number 10: I had to wait in line for tickets to the Big-8 tournament.
9: I was too busy campaigning for Gephardt in the caucuses.
8: I thought I had passed them last year.
7: Jim is in Jamaica and Marv is in California.
6: I heard a rumor that there would be questions over neoclassical theory this time.
5: I have taken 501 from only four different instructors, giving me too narrow a view of Henderson and Quandt.
4: Harvey won't retire until the year 2013.
3: I have not felt right since the harmonic convergence.
2: I could understand everything except this stuff about supply and demand.
1: My alarm clock didn't go off.
F: Thank you. And now the children of Calgary join together to sing a song about peace, harmony, neighborhood, brotherhood, sisterhood, motherhood, apple pie, and two-dimensional graphical analysis.....a song they like to call song number two.
Song Number Two
Oh when the days grow shorter and the students return to Ames
Thats when the faculty can return to their fun and games
We're doing boardwork
In Econ 201
When the world is two-by-two
It's much more fun
We're doing boardwork.........with a chalk and a slate
We're doing boardwork.........where we equilibrate
We're doing boardwork.........a little 'r' and 'g'
We're doing boardwork.........that's when we cut the tree
We're doing boardwork
Boardwork
Now when the MRP and MC become as one
We'll have peace and harmony and equilibrium
When we do boardwork
Life is so grand
And we assume the students all understand
We're doing boardwork........This point is always best
We're doing boardwork........Why yes its on the test
We're doing boardwork........We showed it graphically
We're doing boardwork........It's elementary
We're doing boardwork
Boardwork
A: And so we say farewell to the Econolympics. I'd like to thank my colleagues Sneazy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Doc, Bashful, Dopey, Happy and of course Snow White. You know, I can think back to Grenoble when....
F: Stuff it, Jim.
(Olympic anthem)