Announcer: Roger Ginder
Colonel Pickadean: Massimo Morelli
Henry Higgins: Peter Orazem
Monica Lewinsky: Charlene Carsrud
Selection Committee (3): Joe Herriges, Tatiana Dubinin, Rob Reed
Clinton: Jim Kliebenstein
Lawyers (2-3): Roger Ginder, Deb Moore, Peter Orazem
Massimo Morelli: Massimo Morelli
Jesse the Body Ventura: Deb Moore
Announcer: The public called for it. The Board of Regents asked for it. President Jischke said it was a
necessity. And now, it is being brought
to you by the Department of Economics.
Our own Post Tenure Review is proud to present its rendition of
Leopold and Loeb's musical …..
Off-stage: That's Lerner and Loewe
Announcer: Uhhh, OK.
Our own Post Tenure Review will render Lerner and Loewe's beloved
musical, My Fair Lady.
CP: I say Professor Higgins. Did you see the news? Interim State University is looking for a
dean.
HH: That's news, Pickadean? Hah! They've been looking for a dean since
the last one was found enflagrante delecto with Marlene Dietrich. Not that I can see why it is so hard to find
a replacement. Any idiot could be a
dean.
CP: Now that's not fair. I don't think that any idiot could be a
dean. Only very special idiots can be
Deans. The rest would have to be
Associate Deans.
HH: Nonsense.
I bet you a hundred dollars that I will train any idiot you pick to be a
dean.
CP: You are on, Higgins. But where would we find a suitable
idiot.
HH: How about from the roster of graduate students? Surely there is a prospect there.
CP: Brilliant, Professor Higgins. Let me check here. Hmmmm.
Frodo, Bilbo, Harpo, Gummo, …wait
here's one….Lewinsky! Monica
Lewinsky. She skipped every class this
semester because she claimed to have a Presidential Pardon from mental
activity.
HH: Sounds like the next Dean Lewinsky to me.
How did she get accepted into the program?
CP: (reading letter) She
had a very impressive letter from Vernon Jordan. It says she took on various positions in the
Oval Office………… special consultant on domestic affairs, ……………….would be
particularly impressive in oral exams.
One of the strongest letters I have seen. On the other hand, she's a real ditz.
HH: Set up a meeting, Pickadean. I have no time to waste.
Announcer: SCENE TWO opens with Monica Lewinsky being
interviewed Professor Higgins and Colonel Pickadean.
HH: Well Miss Lewinsky. Colonel Pickadean and I have selected you as
the best candidate for the open Dean position……
ML: (applying
bright red lipstick) Dean? Cool!
HH: Now the first step is to submit an
impressive resume. I understand you are
writing a book?
ML: Oh yes.
HH: What is it on?
ML: Paper
HH: No no.
What is it about?
ML: It's about 300 pages.
HH: Well…..What is the topic of the book?
ML: It's all about my positions on both foreign
and domestic policy. One chapter is on
my assessment of systemic risk in Asian financial markets….you know, like
what’s going to happen to the prices at Beni Hana? And like with all those atrocities in the
Balkans and Africa, and stuff, you
know? I have a chapter on what clothes
go with which types of bad news. I
always wore a blue dress for atrocities.
CP: I had heard the blue dress was bad news.
ML: I also have a chapter on ties.
HH: Splendid!
Well that satisfies the research requirement for a dean. Now we need to make you an authority on
education. For that, we need you to drop
all the latest buzzwords into your conversation. For example, when they ask you about your
philosophy of education, you have to stress group projects. Please repeat after me:
No strain or pain to train when put in teams
ML: To train, take pains to understand the readings.
HH: No, no, no….. listen closely,
No strain or pain to train when put in teams
ML: To train, you have to strain to learn the
concepts.
HH: Oh that is awful. This is harder than I thought. Let’s try another. Suppose you were asked about local
agricultural policy. You say
In Havelock, Hartford or Hampton, hoglots hardly harm us
ML: In Hackensack, Hollywood or Hampton, house lots hugely charm us.
HH: Oh my God, this will take forever. It isn’t hard. Just mouth the words. Can’t you just try to mouth the words.
ML: You’ll see, Professor Higgins. I can mouth anything. I just have to concentrate. Give me another phrase.
HH: Very well.
When you are invited to the interview, you say
How kind of you to let me come.
ML: Well hell! I’ve said that a million times.
How kind of you to let me come.
CP: I think she’s got it! Try the first one again
ML: (singing) No
strain or pain to train when put in teams
CP: It’s elementary
ML: (singing) No
strain or pain to train when put in teams
HH: By George, she’s got it! Again!
ML: (singing) No
strain or pain to train when put in teams
CP and HH: Hooray!
ML: (speaking) In
Havelock, Hartford or Hampton, hoglots hardly harm us
HH: Now, what happens when we train?
ML: (singing) No
pain, no pain
HH: What happens without pain?
ML: (singing) We
train, we train
HH and CP and ML:
(singing) No strain or pain to train
when put in teams
Announcer: SCENE
THREE opens with the Dean candidate interview. Bill Clinton is being
interviewed by the selction committee.
Weasel: Hello President Clinton.
I am Interim Dean of Agriculture Weasel, this is Interim Provost Rat and
that is Interim Vice Provost Vermin.
BC: Weasel, Rat, Vermin, nice to meet you. I feel at home already. Why are you all interim?
Vermin: We are all faculty from Iowa State. We only hire people from other places to
serve as real deans. Then our faculty
serve on an interim basis when we fire the real deans for incompetence.
BC: Makes sense to me.
Rat: So, for the record, please state your name.
BC: (consults with lawyers) I find that question too vague to allow an accurate response.
Rat: Who are those guys, Secret Service?
BC: Legal counsel. They’ve saved my life a bunch of times.
Vermin: OK, what are your qualifications for this
position?
BC: (consulting with four) That
all depends on what the word “are” is.
You see, what my qualifications are at this time may not be what they
will be next year, or what they were at the time you asked the question.
Weasel: Could you tell us how you plan to raise
money for the College?
BC: (consulting with four) I prefer not to answer that question at
this time. Let me just say that my fund
raising record has been laundered…(pause)…...uh, by that, I mean my record is
clean. Very, very clean.
Rat: Well,
could you at least tell us why you want this job?
BC: Let me read from my prepared statement if I
may.
(speaking)
The Lord above made
coeds for temptation
To see if man could
turn away from sin
The Lord above made
coeds for temptation, but
With a little bit of
luck
With a little bit of
luck
When temptation comes
you’ll give right in
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of
luck you’ll give right in
(speaking)
It’s a crime for a
man to go philandering
To stay at home is
what a marriage is about
It’s a crime for a
man to go philandering, but
With a little bit of
luck
With a little bit of
luck
You can lie and they
will not find out
With a little bit
With a little bit
With a little bit of
luck they won’t find out
With a little bit
With a little bit
Vermin: Thank you President Clinton. One last question. We have a letter from Janet Reno…..
Clinton: I deny everything. I did not have sex with that woman, Miss
Reno. I have witnesses.
Massimo: That’s true. I was in the room and saw nothing.
Vermin: Well, then I
guess there is no need to produce your subpoenas……(checks notes) We’ll
get back to you. Please send in
the next applicant.
All the interviewers change jackets. Jesse the Body Ventura walks in The committee is now Gerbel, Hamster and Nutria.
Announcer:(use pro
wrestling announcer voice) The committee welcomes Jesse the Body
Ventura!!!!
Gerbel: Welcome,
Governor. I’m Interim Dean Gerbel, this
is Interim Provost Hamster, and this is Interim Vice Provost Nutria.
Hamster: Governor, what do you see as your assets
for this job?
Jesse: Well, you see it's like this….When I was a
professional wrestler - and I want to stress to
the committee, that it was "professional" wrestling …Well,
what's the most important thing you need?
The Body. So I was Jesse the
Body. Then I was Governor of Minnesota. What's the most important thing to have going
for you there? The Mind. So I was Jesse the Mind.
Now, being Dean here at Interim State…an entirely new thing. Got the new look - - see, got the hair. Got glasses for a "clear vision of the future" (makes "quote" signs with fingers) here at Interim State. But I need a gimmick. Here’s my thinking.
What you got here at ISU. You
got your faculty wing, you got your student body. I ask ya, what do you have to
bring 'em together? You got your
teaching and you got your body of research.
Not gonna work without that something to hold em together. You got your Ag Econ, you got your General
Econ. What is it that all these have in
common? You gotta have an armpit! I’m that armpit fellas. Jesse the Armpit Ventura. Jesse the Armpit
Ventura, Dean of Interim State.
Nutria: I think maybe we'll just get back to you Mr.
Ventura…
Ventura: (lawyers come to drag Ventura out):
Don't like the Armpit angle? I
can change. I can change!
All the interims change jackets. Monica
Lewinsky enters. The committee is now
Skunk, Muskrat and Shrew.
Announcer: The final candidate is Monica Lewinsky.
Skunk: Hello Ms Lewinsky. I am Interim Dean of Agriculture Muskrat,
this is Interim Provost Skunk and that is Interim Vice Provost Shrew.
ML: I thought I was to meet with Weasel, Rat
and Vermin.
Muskrat: No, no, no.
They were the interim people last hour.
We are the interim people this hour.
ML: Makes sense to me.
Shrew: Miss Lewinsky, could you tell us why you believe you are qualified for this position?
ML: Is this being taped?
Skunk: No.
ML: I can’t be too careful. Well,
I believe that the emphasis on learning
communities is critical to the development of learner-centered environments necessary to produce the next
generation of life-long learners. By emphasizing experiential learning as opposed to teacher-centered classroom atmospheres, we will
encourage scholarship in all
our missions. Naturally, we will need to
develop capacity for asynchronous
delivery if we are to enhance the distance
learning experiences of our citizenry and expand our outreach potential. In addition, accountability and assessment
are essential to the total quality
management of our institution if we are to progress on the strategic plan into the millenium.
[Joe Herriges “dings” every time Lewinsky says an italicized word”]
Muskrat: Amazing!
In four sentences, you have hit all fourteen key buzzwords. If you say those same words over and over for
the next five years, you will be phenomenally successful in this job. What will it take to get you?
(Monica sings, chorus is the committee and whoever else wants to be in the chorus)
All I want is a room
somewhere
Far away from the
media glare
200 K a year
Oh wouldn’t it be
loverly
Chorus: Loverly
A primo job where I don’t
work hard
A bright red jag-u-ar
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly
Chorus: Loverly
All day, I fritter away my
time in some old federal job
My skills would better be
served by letting me serve as
Boss for an academic mob
All I want is some real
success
Fame and fortune without
stress
And a cute new blue dress
Oh wouldn’t it be loverly
Chorus: Loverly
ALL: Yes wouldn’t
it be loverly.
CP: What
a tremendous success. She received
offers from four different Universities.
Which job did she take?
HH: Arkansas.
CP: Why
Arkansas?
HH: I
don’t know. She said something about
office carpeting….
CP: Why
Professor Higgins. You seem
depressed! This is your greatest
triumph. Why are you so gloomy?
HH: Well
Pickadean, it’s like this
She almost makes the day begin.
I’d grown accustomed to the beret that she wore upon her
head
Her smiles, her frowns
Her ups and downs
Are second nature to me now
Like breathing out and breathing in
Surely I could always be that way again, and yet
I’ve grown accustomed to her look, accustomed to her
voice
Accustomed to her face
Oh well, Pickadean. Life goes on.
Did you hear that the new Dean Ventura challenged the Woman’s Studies
Program to a mud wrestling contest? He’s
being neutered at the Vet College today.
Shall we go watch?