Martin Jischke: MJ
Rollin Rollin Rollin: RR
Ranis Fallin: RF
Lotta Nerve: LN
Tony Manero: TM
MJ: We'd like to welcome you to Titanic State, Iowa's engaged land-grant doomed ocean liner. I'm Martin Jischke, and I own the ship. No please, don't get up. As your captain, I will not be sailing this ship willy nilly. Oh no! We are sailing by the new strategic plan, sailing into the millennium to become the best.
And here to show us the way is our new Provost, Rollin Rollin Rollin. Rollin?
RR: Thank you Martin. I have our strategic plan. {Shows chart with arrows going in all directions}. Wherever we are going, we are going in the right direction.
MJ: That's right. We have lots of laughs, Rollin and me. You know you are going on the right track when you're sailing with Rollin and Martin laughin.
As you can guess, it's not just all work and no play for the employees at Titanic State. Today, we brought three faculty members up from the hold to play our favorite quiz show,
"So you want to be a Minion, Eh?"
Rollin, tell us whom we will be talking to today.
RR: Very well. Our first contestant is from Hilbert Space, Tennessee, econometrician Ranis Fallin. Ranis has devoted his career to predicting the past, using current data.
[FR is very nerdy, and giggles and snorts after each sentence]
FR: I call my model Strategic Simulative Analytics or SSA. That's ass backwards.
MJ: Sure seems like it. Who else we got?
RR: Our second contestant Payne Cash is being represented by his agent, Lotta Nerve. [LI is constantly talking on a cell phone and appears to consult with the absent Professor Cash throughout]
LN: Professor Cash does not wish to play, but says he would be willing to agree not to play any other games if he is paid more. He asked me to tell you that he had just two words to give you. Show me the money.
MJ: That's four words
LN: He gave you two words. He's charging you for the other two.
Our third contestant is Tony Manero, Disco Professor of funk.
[TM is wearing headphones, sun glasses, and a white leisure suit (or whatever else we can find]
TM: Yo
MJ: Yo back atcha my man. I dig your threads.
TM: No jive?
MJ: No jive.
TM: Cool. [combs hair]
MJ: Here are the rules. I ask the questions, you answer the questions. If you answer correctly, you go back to the hold. You answer incorrectly, we throw you overboard. Ready?
Professor Fallin, complete this sentence
"At Titanic State, faculty opinion is of a) great importance
[pause…..]
RF: What about choices b, c, and d?
MJ: You want to be a minion or do you want to be a swimmin?
RF: uhmm a
MJ: Good answer. Now Professor Cash
LN: My client is not interested in answering a. However, he is willing to forego evaluating answers b, c and d for a twenty percent raise and keys to the ship.
MJ: I'll consider it. Professor Manero?
[Professor Manero is listening to the headphones and dancing]
TM: Night fever, night fever, we know how to do it. Night Fever Night Fever….
MJ: Professor Manero
TM: [loudly] Eh?
MJ: Excellent answer. You are dean material
[loud crash, every one jostles]
RR: Captain Jischke, we just received word that we hit an iceberg
MJ: An iceberg? In Iowa
RR: Yes sir. The ship is taking on water. I sugest we evacuate. We have one lifeboat. Three seats.
MJ: You, me, and which one of these guys?
RF: If I may sir. I am an econometrician. I can help.
SONG
You can tell by the way I use my chalk
I'm a metrics man, no time to talk
I ain't got time to read the text
Gotta X Prime Y and X Prime X
Now It's alright it's ok
You can't follow anyway
You may try to understand
But I can fool a better man
When you're out there sinkin I will throw you an opinion
While you're stayin alive
Stayin Alive
While your breath is lastin, I'll be constantly forecastin
While you're Stayin Alive
Stayin Alive
Ah Ah Ah Ah Stayin Alive
MJ: So what do you propose we do now, Professor Fallin
RF: Well, my time series model predicts that the ship is still floating, so I would do nothing.
MJ: I see. Professor Manero?
RF: I'm going to party like it's 1999
LN: My client is still waiting on his demands.
MJ: Fine we will give him the whole ship, but only if he gives us the little life boat.
LN: My client finds that acceptable
TM and RF: What about us?
MJ: Well, Rollin and I are going to need some cash, and I see you folks as a terrific source of salary savings. Therefore, on behalf of the Titanic State, I am pleased to give you the TSU Y2K retirement plan. For your reading enjoyment during your brief retirement, I am pleased to give you a copy of our new book, Dying to Become the Best.
[Rollin puts Y2K anchors over their necks and gives them a book and then throws them overboard]
RR: We'd better be heading out, Captain.
MJ: Terrific. Say Lotta, we have an extra seat. Want to sail off into the millennium with a couple groovy guys.
LN: Oh Martin! I was afraid you'd never ask.
The End